Tomorrow is the day. Tomorrow is going to be horrible. Tomorrow will change my life. Tomorrow is the day that I’m booked in for my yearly eating disorder check-up. Tomorrow is the day that I’m going to get my head sorted. Tomorrow, tomorrow is the day that I’m finally going to start the process of finding out it I have Bi Polar.
My mum and doctor have always suspected that it may well be the underlining reason for my BDD and eating disorder. I have never given my consent to be tested. The reason? Because you can’t just simply be tested for it. Bi polar diagnosis take years to get right, most people with BP2 get diagnosed with depression or mood depression first. It takes extensive therapy, a doctor to witness a manic episode (being really happy – no one feels the need to go to the doctor when they feel great) and a depression cycle. Plus I already have two labels, did I want another? No!
For the last 18 months I’ve known something hasn’t been right I just couldn’t figure out what until my mum bought the bi polar chat up again. I have some extreme lows were I feel helpless, like the world is completely against me (I know it’ll sound silly but I was having severe break downs because I missed my bus – I live in London, the next one was no more than 10 minutes away, calm down Rosie :’)). This sometimes lasts a month or two and then all of a sudden I’ll be on top of the world and feeling like anything and everything I wanted to happen would. I applied to university (even though I was studying 35 hours a week already with Open University), I was working at the same time doing 50+ hours a week and I was dating A LOT. A few weeks later I’d be back to feeling like the world was going to end and my anxiety were through the roof. In December around my birthday I hit an all-time low, I felt guilty all the time, I thought life wasn’t worth being here for, I basically felt like a burden to everyone in my life. As anyone who reads this blog will know, I moved back to home because I couldn’t deal with it anymore – my health has always been the most important thing to me. Although my eating disorder has spiked again it feels different this time, I actually told someone about it – I want help. My mum and I decided to sit down and make an emotional timeline for the past 18 months and map out the emotional swings and we both come to the same question “what if it is bi polar?”
Tomorrow may be a difficult day, but it’s the start of making myself better again.
If anyone who reads this blog suffers with bi polar I’d love to hear your story. I 100% do not mean to offend anyone who reads this either, mental health is a touché subject but it has to be spoken about.