The post I never thought I’d have to write

I’ve literally had this blog post open for the past two days.

I don’t really know what to say.

I don’t know how to start it.

I don’t know how I feel about it.

After a two hour appointment with my physiatrist on Tuesday 10th April 2018 it was made official. Every single worry and thought I’ve had over the last two years has been confirmed. The assumption became a reality.

I have been diagnosed with Bi Polar type 2.

I have it. It’s not going to magically disappear, it’s with me for life.

When I came out of the doctors on Tuesday I had a sense of relief, I finally had a reason for every crazy decision I’ve made within the pasted two years. I finally had the answer to why I’d been feeling the way I had and why one minute I’d feel insanely happy and then a month later extremely depressed. So why do I now, two days later, feel like I’ve been given a life sentence?

It hit me this morning that Bi Polar is a life sentence, one that I never asked for nor wanted. It’s a disease that will now dictate the rest of my life. Everything I do or how I act will be tracked and evaluated. I’ll now be on medication for the rest of my life because I now have a disease that has a 1/5 suicide rate.

How do you accept that?

Honestly? I have absolutely no idea.

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