The two that got away

So you’ve been diagnosed with Bi Polar type 2 and then told that you can no longer drink. GREAT.

Being someone who lives in an alcohol fuelled city, where going to the pub is just another everyday attitude, this was my worst nightmare. I realised that I don’t see many bloggers talking about this side of bi polar or addressing it, so I thought I’d open up and share my first two weeks of sobriety. Which can I just say was shit. I’m going to be honest, I never thought I abused alcohol until this happened.

Rewind to the last time I saw my psychiatrist which was just under 2 weeks ago. We broke down every time I’d hit my depression and realised that I was getting severely depressed any time I’d drink. To be honest I drunk a lot. I was drinking to make sure I’d have a good nights sleep and I was drinking to lift my spirits. This was an incredibly bad idea because alcohol is of course a depressant. I’d go on massive benders and then when sobering up I’d be in this low pit of sadness that I couldn’t get out of, which resulting in me drinking more to get out of the depression. Clearly I like a catch 22.

Anyone who knows me well will know that between the ages of 18-21 I was a party animal. I did not stop at anything to have a good time. I could pack a fair bit away on socials, which happened 5/7 days of the week. So to be told you can’t drink anymore… well it felt like like I’d hit a wall. I didn’t agree to it straight away until my psychiatrist said that until I gave up the drink he couldn’t help me. This flashed me back to my eating disorder days, to the day where my mum found out and confronted me. It was just SHIT. After a wild debate about how mental health and drinks doesn’t match and how bi polar depression is elevated by alcohol I eventually agreed to cut it out. I wasn’t going to argue it anymore because I knew he was being serious, he wasn’t going to help me. I also knew by my reaction that it wasn’t going to be as easy as I thought.

Now onto my two weeks of being sober. Well to put it bluntly, it hasn’t been sober. I slipped up yesterday. I had two wine spritzers at lunch, thinking the old “it’s only 25% alcohol and 75% sprite”. Wrong Rosie, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I work for an insurance company in the city and it’s sunny! I was going to slip up at one stage or another and that is ok. I felt bad for hours after until I realised that I’ve gone from everything to nothing in the space of 2 weeks, it wasn’t going to happen over night because I wasn’t ready to give it all up. I’d spent the last two weeks debating if I should have one last bender and that should’ve been the signal that I wasn’t ready. But I feel like I am now. The first thing I thought once I got back to my desk was “shit, I’m going to lose my psychiatrist, his going to be so disappointed” but then I thought actually no, it’s myself that’s disappointed. I was disappointed in myself for lying to myself about how easy it would be and that yes I did have a problem with drinking.

I’m not going to use this experience as a negative, I’m turning it into a positive. I could’ve gone pass two, but I didn’t. I stopped. I was never going to “just” stop drinking and have a happily ever after, it’s going to take time and patience on my part. I have to use my therapy sessions to understand why I drink when I get depressed and how not to in the future. Although I have screwed up it’s fine. One day I’m going be living a perfectly sober life and be able to say no without the guilt of wanting to say fuck it yes, everything’s shit right now. On the plus side I did go to the pub to a friends leaving drinks after this happened and I didn’t drink – woohoo!

One of the hardest things I have found this week (obvs beside the drinking) is making excuses for not drinking to people that don’t know about my bi polar. I’m curious to know what excuses you use/have you had any funny experiences using excuses?

If you missed my posted about twitter, you can now find me there at @Rosiesxblog . Come say hi, I’d love to hear more about you 🙂

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